Tell a Joke.

[Clan McGregor]

(Not sure anyone other than Uk People will get this)

What do you call a donkey with three legs??

A wonkey!!!

[Owen]

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Superman wears Chuck Norris underwear.

[thingymebob]

Transcript of a conversation overhead on HMS Victory just before the battle of Trafalgar

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." "What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...........full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be
erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny !"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this
multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."

[thingymebob]

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid"
__________________________________________________ _______________________

The pilot of a BEA aircraft taxiing after landing at Munich calls ground movement control for directions to the terminal.

Ground Controller(after giving the required information): Haven't you been to munich before?

BEA Pilot: Twice, in 1944, I didn't land.

[Owen]

Three married couples got killed in a traffic accident at a four way stop. They were in line at St.Peter's gate awaiting entry. St.Peter spoke to the first couple and told the husband that they were denied entry into heaven because they were heavy into gambling. "Even your wife's name is Penny. Take the down elevator." He told the second couple that they were denied entry because of their heavy drinking. "Even your wife's name is Sherry. Take the down elevator." Upon hearing all of this the third husband said to his wife, "Forget it, Fanny. Let's take the down elevator."

[Ryz]

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat by the closest stool. With his head down, he notices the bar tender approaching. "Care to hear the latest blonde joke?" he askes as he chuckles to himself. The bar tender remains silent, and as the man raises his head to face the bar tender, his eyes grow wide. The bar tender is a tall, strong blonde woman.

"A blonde joke, huh?" she smirks as she scrunches her hand into a fist. "You see that blonde woman two stools down? She's a Black Belt in Karate."

"I see..." the man responds.

"You see those two blonde women by the billiards?" she asked. "They are both competitive wrestlers."

"Ah..." the man responds again.

"And, as for me, I'm a professional body builder," the bar tender says with a smirk on her face as the other three women approach. "So...do you still want to tell that joke?"

"No..." the man says as he crosses his arms. "Because I don't want to have to tell it four times."

[MVP]

There were three contruction workers; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".

[MVP]

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"

[jura234]

George the farmer has got to that time of year when his fields need ploughing. It's the ideal time, and he knows the weather forecasts indicate that he'd be smart not to leave it another week.

Trouble is, George's tractor is up the spout and won't be back from repairs until the end of the month. George decides to try and borrow the tractor of his neighbour across the fields. After all, the neighbour has just done all his ploughing and probably won't be using it.

So George sets off across the fields to talk to his neigbour. He starts out thinking, "I'm sure it will be fine, he'll be happy to lend it to me"

After a few strides, it occurs to him "Of course, I'll offer to pay for the fuel..."

A few strides more and he thinks, "I'm sure it will be ok.. though some poeple can be a bit funny about lending things"

A few strides more..."Hmmm, I haven't talked to him much lately... I hope he's not upset with me..."

Later... "Well, he did give me that funny look in the village store last month... I don't know what that was about"

Later... "Oh, I hope he's not going to give me a hard time about this... I'm only asking, after all"

You get the picture, as he strides along, he runs over all the pitfalls that could await him.

Anyway, eventually George reaches his neighbour's farmhouse and taps a little awkwardly at the door.

As soon as his neighbour opens the door, Georges says to him, "You can keep your blasted tractor you miserable git. I never wanted it in the first place!!"

[BlackSand]

Originally Posted by MVP

There were three contruction workers; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".